The terrifying reality of commitment

This Friday, as I'm sure everybody knows, is the best/worst day of the year, yes I am talking about Valentine's Day. So instead of taking about some raw uncomfortable topic I thought I'd soften the blow a tad and give my little blog series an opinionated view of relationships and commitment. I suppose I should probably give you the low down on my love life before we start this off by informing you that I've never officially had a boyfriend or "gone steady" with anybody. There are so many reasons for this and you'll be hearing about most of them so don't worry. Undoubtedly the biggest excuse for this is that I am absolutely terrified of commitment when it involves people. My muddled thoughts have convinced me that if I don't let them in then I can't disappoint them or myself and I'll be able to avoid a great deal of emotional destruction. So in a way keeping myself single has allowed me to protect myself from what I think might cause me irreversible devastation. 

I was a young impressional romantic when I began dating people and teasing the waters of what could be relationships at the age of 13/14. Before this time the concept I had constructed for a relationship had stemmed from the happily married around me (such as my parents) and cheesy films so I had such a disproportional perspective of love and all that surrounded it. God did I get a shock by how much heartbreak surround me and I friends we fell too quickly as most teens do and lost sight of the repercussions at the beginning. From hearing so many tears over various late night calls I decided that I needed to protect myself. I had felt the slight sting of rejection before but was never really invested in the guy so could get over it quickly enough. However when I saw how much heartache could be caused if the relationship got to a serious stage before being broken off I decided that I never wanted to feel that. In a way I look back and see how silly that was and that I probably should have fallen harder and faster and that some things are worth shattering for, yet I don't think I would do it any differently if I could.

This fear and determination to protect my heart still resides in me, granted it's not as strong as it used to be, but I don't think I'll be ready for a committed relationship any time soon. I'm happy with that and I like to keep things casual, I still go out on dates and in doing so have met so many amazing people. I think thats a good way to go into the world. i have an open mind and i'm taking things at my own pace which makes me feel comfortable. I'm happy being single because I don't want a boyfriend.  I don't want to dedicate myself to somebody to quickly simply because I want to leave behind any hard feelings. I don't want to get hurt but more importantly i don't want to hurt somebody either. Hence casual is what I like. Dates upon dates, becoming friends and getting to know each other first and if it stops at friends than I am completely satisfied. Now that said a lot of guys are actually scared of this, I would know. They run away, they feel uncomfortable for a while and I'm okay with that because it lets me know that they weren't going to be the right person anyway.

Now there are several downsides to this as I'm sure you've already noticed. I don't get to close to people and I don't have somebody that dedicates their feelings towards me either, which I see as being fair. I also loose a couple of potential friends and some guys may just end it and not want to continue something which is ok as well. It's what I want for myself right now. I'm young and I like having my freedom. Sure someday it would be nice to have somebody all to myself but I don't want that kind of relationship right now and I don't plan on changing that soon. Who knows somebody might come along tomorrow and change that but then again that would be kind of miraculous, don't you think?

Well I hope this invigorates some of the singles out there to be comfortable with who you are when you don;t have a partner and I hope that my view makes you a little more confident in what you're doing right now relationship wise.

Until next time! xx